dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
