put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
