Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
