i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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