what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Randomize