Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
