I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
