I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
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