Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
