then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'm sobbing to NWA
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
