just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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