some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
