My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
