Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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