he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
