this beer tastes like vomit already
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize