i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Randomize
