3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
