giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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