Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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