I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
i think i just lost a toe
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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