i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I'm bleeding and have questions
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
