She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
