LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
