You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I am one with the molecules
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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