you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Randomize
