Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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