im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
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