Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
