He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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