needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
