I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I think my fart just growled at me.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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