when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
We need to get me chipped asap
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
