life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
She's not a foreskin expert like you
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
