I can tuck mytits in my pants
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
