shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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