someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
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