jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
