He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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