I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
