just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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