I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
