why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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