I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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