you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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