ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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