this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
