I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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