The maid of honor just puked.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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