highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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