I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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