Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
