I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
