My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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