i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I deserve to be covered in dicks
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
