in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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