just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
