Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
